Well God slowly changed my heart to embrace the idea of having children, but I always swore that I was never going to have so many kids that I couldn't still stay involved in the ministry that I love. I would never become "that mom" who does nothing except talk about her kids because she doesn't get out of the house enough to have anything else to talk about (except possibly the short-comings of other people's kids). No matter whether I had kids or not, I would never ever stoop that low.
And you know what, I did a pretty good job sticking to my guns. Through first one child and then a second, Jeff and I worked out an elaborate juggling act that allowed for both of us to maintain an active role in our work while still caring for our kids. And all the while I patted myself on the back and told myself, "See! It is possible to make it work! I can still have the life I want for myself even with kids!"
And then in what seemed to be the blink of an eye, my carefully ordered life suddenly exploded. Instead of two kids, we had three and in a couple short months it will be four children. Four children 21 months apart in age. Add to that Jeff's increased responsibilities with his work, and before I even had a chance to consider whether I was ok with it or not, I found myself spending the vast majority of my time planning homeschool lessons, yelling, "Get DOWN from there! You may NOT throw your brother off the table!", and talking energetically with anyone who would listen about how my two year old throws up when he smells his own poo and how clearly gifted my daughter must be to be able to out-eat any teenage boy I know.
Last week I finally admitted it to my husband. I said, "I have become 'that mom'". How did it happen?? After spending several minutes bemoaning my fate, I said, "How did this become my life?? This is not the life I signed up for!"
But then, you know what? I started thinking over the next few days about that statement that this is not the life I signed up for, and I realized something shocking. I realized that this is exactly the life I signed up for. I signed up for a life of following God wherever He called me to go. I signed up for a life lived for something bigger than myself. And mostly I signed up for a life that doesn't make any sense at all apart from God.
And boy let me tell you, my life makes NO sense to me apart from God. And even better, I think my life makes no sense to those around me either. I am daily asked by bewildered Chinese why in the world we would adopt a child when we already have two. They often shake their heads and say something like, "you must just be especially good/great/loving/etc.", and I get to smile and say, "No, God is especially good, great and loving". I realized the other day that just about all of my answers to any major questions about my life can't be explained without reference to God. Where we live, what we do, who is in our family, what we see as our future - all of those questions I just have no answers except the ones that start with, "Well, because God..."
And I feel the grace poured out so lavishly when I ponder that. Who am I and who is my family that we would be given stewardship of so much that is holy? Oh how I need grace to not squander my blessings by wishing for others! Because this life I'm living, this crazy, messy, dirt-and-smushed-carrot life, is exactly what I signed up for. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
